Letting Go
by hermiones-books
Summary: This story started out as simply an idea I had where Adrian and Sydney broke up but it's grown into a story about them breaking up then meeting again a year later. I'm not sure about how good it is but I'd love if you at least attempted to read and review. Disclaimer: These characters belong to the amazing Richelle Mead. All rights go to her.
1. Chapter 1

"So that's it? You're just going to give up, after everything?" Adrian whispered. His emerald green eyes were downcast, his hands in his pockets. I was sitting on my bed, biting my lip and trying to think of something to say. I'd just told him I thought we should end it. I couldn't stand how empty he looked. What was I supposed to say? He didn't know how Zoe had found out about us, how she'd threatened to turn me over to the Alchemists if I didn't break it off. I took a deep breath,fully prepared to inform him we had to end it, that it would never have worked out in the first place.

But he continued, pacing the room now. His voice was hoarse, and I could tell he was fighting back tears, something I'd never seen Adrian do. "We've lasted a year. Just try. Don't give up. Make us last one more. Please." His voice was quiet, pleading. Why did he have to sound like that? It was worse than yelling. I wanted him to yell, to call me names. Then maybe I could hate him for a while, maybe I could yell back. I finally looked up at him and said the first thing that came to mind. "It wasn't meant to be."

Now I got my wish. He looked at me, his eyes on fire. He was obviously giving himself over to Spirit now. "What a damn line!" He snapped, "Next thing you know, you'll be saying 'It's me, not you'!" I suddenly wanted to slap him. How dare he make me feel bad? I wanted to scream, to do something. I also wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

"So this is it, huh?" He stopped and fixed his eyes on me. He bent to my level and put his hand on my cheek. Not that, anything but that. He traced the golden lily tattoo there. "Come on, Sage. I love you, and I know you love me. Just last one more year. One more month. One more week. One more day." His voice was desperate, his eyes vacant. He looked like his whole world was crashing down. He came closer, about to kiss me. This was it. He was going to kiss me, and I was going to succumb to him.

And this made me more mad than his yelling. Why did he have to be so hard to resist? What about him made me feel like this? I shoved him away suddenly, scooting away. He flinched but stayed there on his knee, looking shattered. "No, damn it!" I yelled. He looked surprised. I hardly ever cursed, so he must have know how big this was. He looked so hurt. I kept telling myself he'd be more hurt if he had to watch me go, if we were torn apart. It was the only thing keeping me going, letting me go through with this. I wouldn't hurt him.

"You can't just kiss me and look at me like that and make everything better. Life doesn't work like that! You of all people should understand that. Now stop making a fool of yourself and get the hell out of here!" I yelled, surprised by my own anger.

"Sage.." He began, but I interrupted him. "Go." I whispered, looking back down. Then he surprised me. I heard him stand up, listened to his foot steps echoing on my bedroom floor. He opened the bedroom door. "Goodbye, Sage." He whispered.

I looked up, hoping to get one last glimpse of him. But he was already gone.

© Characters belong to Richelle Mead, author of Bloodlines


	2. Chapter 2

This is set about a year after the previous chapter. In this chapter, Sydney meets Adrian at a coffee shop after being broken up for a while.

Based on the song Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey

_I will love you till the end of time,_

_I would wait a million years._

_Promise you'll remember that you're mine._

I had been surprised many times in my life. I'd been caught going against the Alchemists; I'd watched the people I thought loved me act as though they didn't know me; I'd had people I thought hated me cover for me. And yet, through it all, one person surprised me more than anyone else. Adrian Ivashkov.

The name had not passed by lips for more than a year, and yet it flowed through my head like a rapid stream, never pausing, always there, in the back of my mind, every single day. He kept me second guessing myself, kept me wondering where he was or what he was doing, and most of the time, who he was doing it with. Could he have rebounded from me? Last time I had seen him he'd seemed so crushed, so alone. But maybe he'd gone back to being the flippant party boy I had always known. If there was one thing I knew about life, it was that it never gives you what you expected.

This was why I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised when, on a rather mundane Tuesday, my boss instructed me to go get him some coffee. I still held my high ranking job with the Alchemists. In fact, I had just been promoted not too long ago. This was because I had agreed with my sister and told her that I'd break up with Adrian in order to keep my job. I still wonder a year later whether that was the right decision. But it had to be. Adrian wouldn't be safe if anyone knew about us either. It wasn't just for selfishness that I had done what I did, was it? Yet I still missed him whispering in my ear, "Sage." Or teasing me or kissing my forehead when he knew I was mad because it made me melt. I even missed our spirit dreams. I had since been relocated, heavily due to my dads' influence on the Alchemists. I hadn't seen Adrian in a year. I didn't even have any pictures; that was too dangerous. I only had memories.

Anyway, that Tuesday my boss called me in and told me to get him coffee was odd because I hardly ever fetched coffee for people any more. I was too high ranking. They had more respect for me than that. But here I was, being told to go go get some coffee for my boss. I knew I couldn't argue, and why should I? Just because I was some goddess amongst the Alchemists, who still knew nothing of my scarred past, didn't mean I didn't still love coffee. Later I would wish I had argued.

I strolled out of his office and to my car; it was a new, shiny priest, whom I had named Silver. It was a lame name and I knew it. But I hadn't had much bursts of creativity lately. In fact, my magic had been waning too. I hopped into the car and began the ten minute drive to the nearest coffee shop. I headed inside and was purchasing some black coffee for my boss and a latte for myself when I heard familiar footsteps. I knew who was there before I turned around.

The man who haunted my dreams, who I never could seem to forget. He looked at me and for once, Adrian Ivashkov was surprised, truly and really surprised. My eyes widened, and I looked him over. It was him. In the flesh. Was I going crazy? Was my mind playing tricks on me? Had Adrian somehow pulled me into a spirit dream? He hadn't done it since we'd broken up, but I still expected it to come at some point.

No, it wasn't. And I knew it wasn't because in that moment, the spell was broken. Adrian strided with serene calmness over to me. His eyes showed no recognition. "Ms. Sage." He said, his voice every bit as sarcastic as it was polite. "How nice to see you again."


	3. Chapter 3

My palms were sweaty. He was looking at me with his emerald green eyes, the same way he used to stare at me before pulling me in and kissing me. I shook the memory away. No, this was way different. His eyes were shinning with rage this time, not desire. I had to answer, to come up with some witty quip to prove how well off I was without him. But as I opened my mouth, nothing came out. My mouth was dry. I swallowed and opened my mouth again. I fought to keep my voice light, natural. "Hello, Adrian." I said, "It's great to see you too." My voice sounded forced, even to me.

He looked almost humorous now. His emotions were all over the place, constantly changing. I wondered briefly if he was letting himself go to spirit right now. Was he reading my aura? Watching it change? Or had he gone crazy from Spirit long ago? Was my Adrian gone? His eyes shown with a dry sort of humor, and a smile that almost looked like a snarl was curled on his lips. "So, Sydney.." He paused, searching my face for a reaction to his use of my first name. I refused to flinch, refused to back down. Suddenly, I was angry with him. I'd went through hell and back for him. I'd let him go for his own good; it wasn't like it had been easy for me to leave. And I'd thought of nothing but him for months now. And now that he'd waltzed into my life again, he was nothing but rude, angry, and infuriating as always. I wanted to slap him, to scream at him about how I'd wanted him. God, I'd wanted him. And I still wanted him. I wanted him. But instead, I squared my shoulders and attempted to keep a cold, calculating expression on my face. "How are you?" He finished what seemed like years later.

Not good. Bad. Missing you. Wanting to go back to how things were, I thought. Aloud I said, "Fine. Just been working a lot." That was the predicted answer. I was Sydney Sage. I worked. That was all I did. I was dependable, reliable, hard-working, and honest; the poster girl for what a good little Alchemist should be. Of course, Adrian was one of the only people who knew I was the polar opposite of that. He knew all of the crazy, ill advised things I'd done. He knew how truly reckless I could be when I wanted to. And he'd loved me for it, once. Did he still? Part of me wanted to believe the answer was yes, yes he did. Another less selfish part of me wanted it to be no, just so he wouldn't hurt. He was looking at me with a sort of sardonic expression, expecting something from me. What? Why couldn't he stop staring at me for just a few minutes? I couldn't think with him staring at me. Then I realized he was simply waiting for the obvious: me to ask him how he was doing. "How are you?" I asked, and my voice sounded meek even to myself. I wanted to run off, to get away from him. And at the same time, I wanted to wrap myself around him, to kiss him and beg him to come back right now. Neither choice sounded too good. The first was cowardly, the second so pathetic I wanted to slap myself for even thinking it. So instead, I did neither. I just stood there, awaiting his answer.

"Good." He said slowly, meaningfully. Just what the meaning was, I didn't know. Was he partying again, seeing other girls? Or was he being sarcastic? Was he really miserable still? I wasn't sure. I licked my lips, trying to rack my brains for some sort of excuse to get out of here. My excuse came in the form of the man at the counter calling my number. "That's me." I said, glad for the excuse. But he wasn't so easily shaken off. He followed me to the counter silently as I grabbed the coffees. He smiled a bit at my drink choice. "So, drinking lattes now, are you? What happened to my Plain Jane girl?" He asked.

For a moment, I smiled at the comment. It was like we were in the past again. He was teasing me about coffee, I was smiling. In a moment we could be kissing or I could be slapping his arm, telling him to shut up. Then we both seemed to realize what he had said at the same time. He had called me his. He had said I was his. And I hadn't been his in a year, if I ever really had been. Both of our smiles faded and I glanced up, giving him a hard look. "She's gone." I said, my voice barely passing for a whisper. Something like recognition dawned on his face, and his eyes became sad, empty. Just as sad and empty as they had been when I last saw him. I wanted to take it back, to say I would always be his. But I couldn't. We were over. That had been a simple fact I'd resigned my self to a year ago when I'd ended it. And in this life, the only thing it was possible for me to count on were cold, hard facts. Lines that didn't need to be crossed. Black and white pictures. But, I realized, I had crossed all those lines. And then I'd drawn lines even further away to cross, until there were hardly any lines left to cross. I'd made black and white into one beautiful vibrant color, an emerald green sea that I'd floated in.

I held my coffees closer to myself, as if they'd protect me from all the memories of Adrian about to pull me in. How many times had he stared at me with those eyes like he was now? How many times had we laughed and cried and been angry together? How much passion had there been? Too much. It had been toxic, bad for both of us. But if it was so bad, why did I miss it so much? I was sensible. I knew what was good and bad. But Adrian didn't fall into either category, and neither did my time with him. It had all been starbursts, bright colors and darkness all at once. It had been laughs and sobs; screams and smiles.

Adrian seemed to be stuck in memories too, because his eyes were glazed. He looked like he was seeing a past life. And I knew that feeling. "Adrian," I began softly, not quite sure what I was even going to say to him. His eyes snapped back to reality, looked at me. There was a darkness there now, one I rarely saw in him. "You know, I'm sure you've got work to do, Sydney." He snapped. "I'd better go. It was nice seeing you again."

Before I could respond, tell him off, say I didn't mean to walk back into his life today. I didn't mean to see him. I'd thought of him as a beautiful, crazy dream for the past year. I'd never thought of him as a real, tangible thing any more. Tell him I missed him but I couldn't have him back, that things between us would never work. No matter how hard we tried. It was us against the world. Or at least the Alchemist/Vampire world. But before I could say anything, Adrian was stalking off, out of the coffee house door, out of my life once again.

And to my utmost surprise, I was charging after him.


	4. Chapter 4

What was I doing? Why was I chasing him? This was crazy. I'd just ran into him again; it was an unpleasant exchange after a break up. But it was supposed to end there. That was the end of the story. I'd seen Adrian Ivashkov again, but he'd left and I'd gone back to life as planned. That was supposed to be where our story stopped. But now, against all odds, I was racing after him, the wind brushing my hair and my heart thumping with rage. How dare he? How dare he just walk right back into my life and pretend like every thing was okay? How dare he call me his and look at me and say my name? How dare he try to make me feel bad? How dare he play with me? He had no right!

In the old days I would have touched his arm, brought him closer to me and reprimanded him. Now I just stood a few feet away from him and called, "Adrian!" His back turned stiff and he slowly looked at me from over his shoulder. I reveled in the surprise on his face for a moment, proud to be one of the few people who could put such a transparent expression of surprise on his face. The surprise was gone just as soon as it had appeared. He looked at me through some what weary eyes, scanning my face for something. "What do you want?" He asked shortly, turning fully to face me now and crossing his arms. The coldness in his voice was enough to spur me on. I stormed up to him, wanting to kick him, throw fire at him, do something. Instead I kept my face as calm as I could, though I was sure my eyes were giving away how angry and confused I really was.

"What do _you_ want?" I repeated, pointing a finger at him. I was sure the gesture made me look like a five year old but at this point I wasn't sure I cared. He didn't answer me, and I hadn't really expected him to. He just looked at me with the same tired expression. I stood up straighter, determined to get my point across even if I wasn't quite sure what the point was. "Or better yet: who do you think you are?" This seemed to strike a chord with him because his eyes glinted with anger, all regard for hiding his emotions apparently gone.

"Who do _I_ think _I_ am?" He said slowly. "I'll tell you who I am. I'm the guy who waited a year for you to call, to text, to email, to write, do anything. I waited a year for you to explain why you ended it! I'm the guy who treated you the best I could when we were together, even though I had plenty of problems. I'm the guy who waited patiently for you to get over your Alchemist shit for months before we were even together!" He was nearly yelling now, his voice raising and his eyes narrowing. "I'm the guy who's heart you broke. You should know who the hell I am, Sydney. The question is, who do you think you are?"

The question left me aghast. I glared at him. "Gee, Adrian, you thought you knew me so well. Why don't you tell me?" I said sarcastically. I was surprised when he took a step closer to me, close enough that I could smell him; the scent of pine and cologne and something that was just his. It was a scent I had once reveled in, a scent I had once breathed in before kissing him or when we were falling asleep together. And now it was the scent that haunted my dreams. I still couldn't believe any of this was happening right now. We were over and now he was back in my life, so suddenly that it was like he was a hurricane that had just swept through my life once again, threatening to destroy the foundation I had built in the past year.

"I do _know_ you well," He said, putting an extra emphasis on the word know. "You're a scared little girl and you ran away from me because our love didn't fit into your neat, pretty boxes any more." I had thought I was done surprising myself now, but I did something even more surprising then. I leaned forward, shifted my weight, and slapped him across the face. He looked stunned to say the least. I had never slapped him.

"You have no clue what my reasoning behind leaving is and don't pretend you do!" Now I was yelling, not caring that we were in a public place. How did all my inhibitions go flying out of the window when he was around? I lowered my voice, taking in a deep breath and looking him in the eyes. "I left for my own reasons, and they were good ones. If you knew what the were I can guarantee you wouldn't be standing here, telling me how well you know me and how scared I am."

Adrian touched the now red place on his cheek where I'd slapped him, almost looking amazed and awed by me slapping him. What was wrong with him? Why was he looking at me like he had that night we'd made A.Y.E t-shirts? Why wasn't he saying anything? Why wasn't he arguing any more? It was so much easier to be mad at him when he was biting my head off, going into detail about how much pain I had caused him and how much he missed me. That's what I expected him to do. Then again, as this whole morning had shown, Adrian was a highly astonishing person.

After just looking at me and touching his cheek for a little while, he finally said, "I might be a bit more sympathetic if you actually told me your reasons. I could respect Rose when she left. She told me her reasons; she was up front. And she had a good reason. But I never loved her the way I loved you. And she never seemed as happy with me as you did. And she never inspired me like you did. And you left out of no where, giving me no real reason. What was I supposed to think? That you'd just left because you had to?" I wanted to say yes, that was the exact reason why I left. I was black mailed. I didn't want to leave. It wasn't easy for me. But it was necessary, for both of our well beings. But instead I just looked up at his pleading green eyes, saying nothing.

"I did leave because I had to. And you need to trust me when I say it wasn't an easy thing for me to do. You need to believe me when I say that I did love you. But we have to be over; it's for the best." The words echoed in my head. _It's for the best. It's for the best. It's for the best._ I repeated that sentence in my head like a mantra. It was for the best. Even if it hurt now, the pain would subside someday and he would move on and I would move on and our love would just be a tiny spot way back in the sunset. Every thing would be fine without him. It was for the best. Or at least that's what I told myself.

He looked down at me for a long time, biting his lip and begging with his eyes. His hand twitched at his side, as though it was longing to reach out and brush away my hair or touch my cheek. He seemed to think better of doing so though because he shoved his hands into his pockets. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or saddened. "Do you really believe that, Sage?" He finally murmured.

Did I? No, I didn't. But I wouldn't tell him that. He had to move on. He had to find some one else. He deserved some one ten times better than me. He deserved some one more strong, more courageous than me. Some one who would be willing to choose love over job. I was selfish. I didn't- and probably never would- deserve him. "Yeah, I do." I whispered, my voice sounding lame even to myself. But he didn't question me, didn't say I was lying. I could see in his face that he wanted to. And maybe he wanted to do even more than that. Maybe he even wanted to kiss me and whisper that he still loved me and beg for me back. Or maybe that was just what I wanted him to do.

He nodded slowly after a few moments. "I hope you're happy with your decision then." He finally said. He was trying to look strong, that much I could tell. But inside he was crumbling. I could see it in his eyes. I was crumbling at the same time. The second good bye was even worse than the first. Was there ever a right time to give up, to say good bye? I didn't think there was. But I'd never really say good bye. He'd always be with me, always making me wonder what would have happened had I stayed. Would we get married? Have kids? Would we settle down and go into hiding, try to become a normal couple? I wasn't sure, but these questions all burned in the back of my brain. Tears were in my eyes all of the sudden, and I pushed them back. I didn't reply to his statement but I said now what I had always been afraid to say the last time.

"I'll love you forever, Adrian Ivashkov."

He looked at me, startled by my sentiment. "Ditto, Sydney Sage." He said quietly. I had been expecting him to say that I should stay then, that we should run off right now. That things could go back to the way they were. But they couldn't, could they? We were already too far gone, weren't we? Before I could say anything else, he had turned back around and was walking towards his car, the one I had named the Ivaskinator, and climbing in. He never looked back.

At least it was over, right? The hard part was done. We were ending. And it hurt, but the pain would subside. I never had to see Adrian again. At least I hoped.


	5. Chapter 5

On my way back to head quarters, I felt my throat inexplicably tighten. I hadn't cried since the day I had left Palm Springs. I'd almost forgotten what crying felt like. Sure, I'd been sad about Adrian a lot, but crying didn't happen. It just never came easily to me. Pain, sure. Crying, no way. This was probably why I pushed back the tears I knew were coming, my eyes watering even more with the effort. Finally, a sob escaped me. Then another, and another. Soon I was pulled over on the side of the road crying my eyes out, my face in my hands.

I'd let him go again, and even though I knew it was for the best, it hurt like hell. I was level headed, and I hadn't ever expected us to end up together. Okay, maybe once I did. But that was before Zoe, before all the madness. We would never work, no matter how much we loved each other. I knew that now. We were too different. _Are you really?_ A voice in the back of my head thought, but I didn't entertain it. Yes, we were. He was a party boy, a risk taker. I was straight edged, never taking risks. Maybe with him I had. But that was just him bringing out that side of me. _Bringing out the real you_, I thought. No, I couldn't think that. I couldn't give him that kind of credit, even if it was well deserved. It would drive me crazy.

When I finished crying, I straightened my clothes, looked in my mirror to make sure my make up wasn't still running, and started the car. Oddly enough, I felt okay after crying. Not good. In fact, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel good again. But okay. I'd forgotten how freeing crying was. I felt like I'd let out a year of pain, of sadness and anger and confusion and self hatred. I wasn't a person who could just bottle things up like that, but I'd forced myself to. And now I'd let it all out. Sure, it wasn't like I'd told any body about it. But crying in itself was a freeing experience.

I pulled up to head quarters, which was a looming, brick building made up of a bunch of different compartments. It was out in the middle of no where for security purposes. After getting in through the gait protecting us, I found a parking spot near the entrance. I grabbed the two coffees and slammed Silver's door shut with my hip. I headed towards the entry of the building, hoping my make up looked as fine as it had when I'd looked in the mirror. The Alchemists weren't very lenient when it came to bad appearance. I managed to get inside with out spilling the coffee and went to my boss's office. Just as I was heading in, some one else was walking out. I only saw his back at first but I'd know him any where. Clean shaven. Clothes with out a single wrinkle. All business. He could have passed as any Alchemist normally, but I'd grown up with him and I knew his walk. I knew the stern look on his face. My father.

He stopped in his track and walked over to me, a forced smile on his face. "Hello, Ms. Sage." He said, reminding me of Adrian. Adrian had called me Ms. Sage mockingly, making the title sound like an insult or a witty quip. My father said it business like, serious. The contrast almost made me laugh out loud, and I stifled a smile. Until a pang hit my chest at the thought of Adrian. Then I didn't need to stifle a smile.

"Hello, dad." I said slowly, cautious. My father hardly talked to me lately, seeing as we both had very different duties when it came to jobs, and I couldn't quite tell by his demeanor if this would be a good or bad conversation. "I must be honest. I had your boss send you out for coffee so I could talk to him." I bit my lip. What did that mean? What had they talked about?

"We've been discussing your status." My heart beat picked up. Had they found out? Had Zoe changed her mind told them about Adrian, about my marred past. I was constantly worried about this. What if one day she decided to spite me and told every one about Adrian? What if she got me sent to Re-Education? My father paused, taking in a deep breath. Oh no, this couldn't be good, not if he was steadying himself to say whatever it was he needed to say. They knew, didn't they? "And we've decided it would be more.. appropriate... to relocate you." Relocate me? Did he mean relocate in a serious manner, like I was moving from this spot? Or did he mean 'relocate' like move me to Re-Education? I tried my hardest to keep a neutral, business like expression on my face, though I wasn't sure if I was succeeding. My fathers demeanor didn't change, so I supposed I was.

"So, Sydney, it is my pleasure to inform you that you're being relocated to Toronto, Canada." Canada? Was there any re-education center on the post there? I racked my brains. No, none. I was safe. They didn't know. And soon I'd be far away from my family. Then I wouldn't even need to worry because Zoe would be no where near my superiors. Then why was I dreading leaving so much? Was it because I'd seen Adrian again, because I knew he was here? I pushed back the thought. It had to be that I missed my family. But no, it wasn't that either. As bad as it sounded, I knew I'd only miss my mother. I mentally was going through a war. Did I want to stay because of Adrian? If I did, that was surely a pipe dream. We were over. As badly as that hurt, and God did it hurt, it was the way it was. I couldn't want to stay for something I didn't even have. Physically, I was the picture of serenity, as though I had been expecting this for a while. I nodded. "Thank you, father. I'd really like to thank you for putting in a good word for me."

My dad's face softened a bit, something it rarely did. The lines of hard work were etched all over, his eye brows normally in a permanent state of wrinkle. "I didn't really need to. You've done so well at all of your posts already, always dealing with the blood suckers well while sticking to the Alchemist ethics." I nearly snorted. I'd dealt with the "blood suckers" a bit too kindly for the Alchemist standards, and unless you called stealing personal information and breaking your tattoo, along with falling in love with a Moroi good Alchemist ethics, I wasn't ethical at all. I smiled a bit at my dad, hiding my thoughts well. You learned how to do that after a while of lying. It wasn't entirely forced though. I did want to make my dad proud, and this was the closest thing to a compliment I could get from him.

"Thank you, still." I said quietly.

He nodded, and an awkward silence fell over us. "You'll be leaving in a week." He informed me after a few moments. Then all of the sudden, he patted my shoulder. "Well done, Ms. Sage. I'm proud of you." He said kindly. Then, without a look back, he turned and walked away, leaving me wondering if he would think the same thing if he knew all of my secrets.

_**A/N:** Sorry for the short chapter. I just wanted to do a chapter dealing with Sydney's emotions after seeing Adrian, and add a plot twist along with some little details. I really hope you enjoyed it, and I promise that this wasn't a pointless chapter. It will tie in with the majority of the story in a big way. Also, sorry for the lack of Adrian here but I promise to make up for it in my next chapter ;)_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N:** _Sorry it took so long to post this. I haven't had much time to write, and I can only get on my public computer at the moment, which makes it very hard to write. I'm also sorry this chapter is so short, but I hope you like it. As always, any criticism or thoughts you have are welcome.

The rest of my day was fairly normal. After giving my boss his coffee, I went to a meeting and most of the rest of my day was spent in piece. By the end of my day, I was tired to say the least. Yes, I had a stereotypically "boring" job. And yes, it wasn't like I was a guardian or anything. But taking orders from higher up Alchemists, running around all day, and filling cabinets took it's toll too. After my long day, I headed to my quarters. It was down a long, white hall. Another thing about the Alchemists: They like their buildings as light as a hospitals. The floor was white, the walls were white, the beds were white. The only non-white things in my room were my books, bed spread, and desk. I got to my spacious, white room and shut the door quietly behind myself. Letting out a sigh of relief and trying to push Adrian and our earlier encounter out of my mind, I pealed off my work clothes and took a long shower. But even that couldn't wash away the memory of Adrian Ivashkov, looking at me like I'm a goddess when I slapped him, his emotions flickering from anger to despair, the feeling I got when he told me he'd love me forever too. Was it wrong to say that to him? Maybe. Maybe not. I may never know.

I climbed into bed, and despite how weary I was and how my eyes kept closing, I couldn't sleep. I kept replaying seeing Adrian over and over in my head, thinking of all the things said and all the things left unsaid. And then I was thinking back to our time together, even though I knew I shouldn't. Thinking of our first kiss, back in Palm Springs. Thinking of the passionate kiss on the table in the spirit dream. Thinking of him grinning and teasing me. Thinking of him being the only person bold enough to tell me I needed to eat more before I got sick. Thinking of how well he knew me and how we understood each other. How he'd glance at me from a corner of the room and I'd feel like the only person in that room, even if it was crowded with people. Thinking of how my body seemed to be on fire when he touched me. All of these are things we shared, things no one else knew about. And some how that fact made me long for them again even more. And I knew that they'd never happen again. They were just memories now. My throat closed for the second time that day, but this time I didn't let them spill. I'd never once cried myself to sleep and I didn't intend to now. So instead I thought of his eyes, of the million emotions he could express in them without showing a single emotion on the rest of his face. I fell asleep to the shade of emerald green, to Adrian.

And I dreamed of Adrian. This was not something I did often, so I knew immediately that it had to be a spirit dream. But surely he wouldn't pull me into one, not after our agreement today? It was over. Then again, with Adrian you never knew if it was really over. His idea of "over" seemed to be a bit different than mine. The dream was clear as day, more clear than a normal dream. It had to be spirit. I was in a large ball room, and there was a bar in the corner. Of course. This was "his" dream after all. The ball room was round, and a mixture of colors. The clean, cool, tile floor was white, making it look nearly exactly like the floor in my own bedroom. The large, open windows were open, flooding in light. They had green curtains balled in a corner. There was a small table in the corner of the room, much like the one Adrian and I had kissed on all those lifetimes ago. Don't think of that, I think. Which only makes me want to think about it more. And there he was, standing at the bar. He leaned casually against the counter, a drink that looked a lot like scotch in his hand. He was acting like he was simply hanging out, waiting for me to slip into the dream.

Oh god, I thought. What am I wearing? Am I even wearing anything? A wonderful side effect of Adrian's dreams: He could put me in whatever he wanted. I thanked god that I was wearing something. It was a sensible white dress. It went to just above my ankle, had gold trimming on the ends, and had no sleeves. Of course it had no sleeves. That would show more cleavage. I would have rolled my eyes if I wasn't so confused and angry. Why was he pulling me into a spirit dream?

I marched over to the bar, my gold pumps clinking against the floor. He grinned at me, and I could tell just by looking at him he was drunk. I vaguely wondered how often he had been drunk since I'd left. No, I wasn't going there. I wouldn't let myself feel bad for leaving, not again. I had done it for his good. I knew that. His tie was undone, and his hair was just plain messy instead of being strategically styled to look messy. He had red circles under his eyes. "What the hell, Adrian? Why am I in a spirit dream? Do you not remember our little conversation earlier?" I snapped, my eyes narrowed to slits. He just grinned, trying to look devil-may-care but failing horribly in his drunken state. It actually physically hurt me to see him this low.

"What, Sage? I can't want to see the girl who ripped out my heart?" He laughed, a humorless sound. "Am I not aloud to visit your dreams?" He grinned, but it was sad. "Like you don't already dream about me anyway." He winked, and it looked so humorous I could laugh right then if I wasn't such an array of emotions for him. I wanted to scream, but at the same time I wanted to help him some how, to make sure he wasn't asleep on the side of a street. Or worse. In another girls bed. I cursed myself for the thought. Who cared if he was? We were over, right? We'd agreed earlier. Why did he have to come to my dream? Why did he have to mess with my mind so much?

"No, I don't." I said, and my voice was harsh even to my own ears. He flinched slightly then finished off his scotch in practically one gulp. I sighed, studying him. He looked even more terrible this close, and I could smell the alcohol on his clothes even in the dream. I wondered what he smelt like now in real life. Probably terrible. I made a snap decision then, one I knew I would regret later. "Adrian, tell me where you are then let me wake up. I'm coming to help you."

He did something I didn't expect; he scoffed. "What? You don't like me when I'm sober but when I'm drunk you want to mommy me?" He said. I touched his arm, then moved my hand away quickly. Something flickered in his eyes, but it was gone too soon for me to recognize it. "Adrian.." I said softly. He bit his lip and sighed, looking conflicted even in his drunk state. "Alright. I'm at a bar called _The Hole_ on 84th street." He said. I groaned softly. "A bar? Really?"

He gave a sad smile. "Seemed like a nice place to sleep at the time." He was beginning to fade, and before I could reply I was back in my room. I sat up and started to dress. What was I doing? Going to help an ex boyfriend whom I never was aloud to date in the first place because he was drunk. Why? Who knew? Was I crazy? Possibly.

I slipped out of my room after getting my shoes, some jeans, and a sensible top on. The halls were quiet, not a sould awake. That was good. I could always come up with a lie if I ran into any one, but they would still question my being out so late. I got lucky. I didn't run into anybody and got outside in one piece. I got in my car, heading in the direction of the place Adrian had told me to.


End file.
